My Personal Journey with Anxiety and Depression

My official diagnosis of depression and anxiety came in 2011, during my junior year at the University of Minnesota. This period marked a profound low point in my life, coinciding with the peak of my eating disorder. In fact, it was the severe impact of my eating disorder (anorexia and orthorexia) that ultimately prompted me to seek help for my underlying anxiety and depression. Mental illnesses can often be invisible to the outside world, but with my eating disorder, the physical manifestations were undeniable. Amidst significant life changes, including moving to a new city and grappling with deeply rooted self-confidence issues, I found myself desperately clinging to the one area I felt I could control: my body. I meticulously tracked every bite of food and every calorie burned, and the rapid results, affirmed by others, unfortunately further fueled the disorder.

The drastic weight loss served as a stark warning sign to my family. Losing over 30 pounds in just 45 days prompted my parents and sister to intervene immediately, arranging appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist. At that time, I was largely in denial about the severity of my problems, especially to myself, though a deep inner voice acknowledged that something was profoundly wrong. It took me nearly two years to verbally admit that I had an “eating disorder,” even though my medical team and family clearly understood the situation. I eventually came to terms with having a mental illness, describing my eating disorder as a “poor relationship with food” alongside depression and anxiety.

During this challenging phase, I placed immense pressure on myself to achieve perfection in every aspect of my life – academic excellence, an ideal body, and a flawless existence. My constant anxiety made a “normal” college lifestyle impossible. I avoided social gatherings involving food or alcohol due to the overwhelming pressure to consume. Living on less than 1,200 calories a day meant I wasn’t going to “waste” them on a drink. My self-worth plummeted, leading me to avoid dating and feeling undeserving of genuine friendships. I rejected typical college activities like parties or late-night outings, fixated solely on “being healthy,” a concept I barely understood but pursued with an unhealthy obsession.

The Turning Point and Embracing Today

The pivotal moment in my battle with mental illness arrived when I started medication. While I don’t attribute my recovery solely to the medication, it undeniably facilitated a crucial shift in my mindset. I recognized the urgent need to transform my lifestyle in multifaceted ways, cultivating a healthier relationship with both food and exercise, and most importantly, with myself. I understood that this path would demand relentless effort; it wasn’t a magic pill that instantly cured me. My journey involved years of consistent work and significant changes to reach the place of well-being I experience today. A substantial part of my healing process was the creation of this very blog. It provided a constructive outlet for my previously obsessive energy, allowing me to channel it into building a brand and a community – a challenging but incredibly rewarding endeavor.

Today, nearly seven years have passed since my diagnosis and the start of my medication for anxiety and depression, and I am thriving. I’ve cultivated a normalized, healthy relationship with myself, and my eating disorder remains firmly under control. Everyone in my life is aware of my past, offering unwavering support for the person I am today. I deeply love my career and the fulfilling life I’ve meticulously built. I am genuinely happy, and isn’t that the ultimate goal?

My approach to managing my mental illness is a harmonious blend of holistic practices and medication. I currently take 100 mg of Sertraline (which I discuss further below) and integrate numerous daily, weekly, and monthly self-care routines to maintain my mental equilibrium. Most days, my depression is barely a whisper, and while my anxiety is more prevalent, its intensity fluctuates – thankfully, more often towards manageable levels than severe lows. I invite you to read on as I answer many of your questions concerning anxiety, depression, and medication, a topic that generated considerable interest on Instagram. As always, please feel free to leave any additional questions in the comments section; I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can!

Anxiety and Depression: Your Questions Answered

What do anxiety and depression feel like to you personally?

This is genuinely a challenging question because articulating these feelings can be incredibly difficult. For me, anxiety often manifests as being trapped within a vortex of my own thoughts. I find myself fixating on stressors, paralyzed and unable to take action. My mind races a mile a minute, making it nearly impossible to focus on daily tasks or conversations. Depression, conversely, descends like a heavy, dark cloud – a profound wave of sadness that washes over me without a clear reason or trigger.

Can you describe your anxiety side effects?

My anxiety side effects include insomnia, particularly waking up in the early hours and being unable to fall back asleep, rather than difficulty initially drifting off. A newer symptom, within the last couple of months, has been night sweats. While I haven’t medically confirmed the link, I suspect they stem from my anxiety. I’ll wake up with completely soaked sheets, significant chest sweat (especially with a larger bust), and wet hair. It can be quite disruptive and occurs two or three times a week. Shortness of breath is less frequent but typically arises when I feel overwhelmed. However, the most consistent effect is an inability to focus on daily responsibilities, as my thoughts become consumed by one or two overwhelming concerns that I can’t dislodge from my mind.

What steps did you take to get diagnosed with anxiety and depression?

Honestly, I don’t believe I would have ever sought out a therapist if it hadn’t been for the loving intervention of my mom, sister, and other concerned individuals in my life who noticed my drastic weight loss. With a family history of depression, my mother quickly recognized the signs. After a handful of sessions with a therapist, it became clear to the professionals that I was experiencing both anxiety and depression.

How do you manage your anxiety holistically?

It might sound unconventional, but recognizing this need for self-care is one of my favorite aspects of understanding my mental illness; it has made me hyper-aware of needing extra love and care. I’ve developed a comprehensive routine of self-nurturing practices, especially during the challenging cold, dark winter months when I’m particularly sensitive to anxiety and depression. Here are some of my most cherished holistic strategies:

• **Supportive Connections:** Surrounding myself with understanding individuals who truly “get it” and can uplift me during difficult times.
• **Naps:** Allowing myself the restorative power of a brief nap when needed.
• **Clean and Intuitive Eating:** I genuinely feel better overall when I prioritize healthy, whole foods and avoid rigid, restrictive eating schedules.
• **Outdoor Time:** Spending time in nature significantly boosts my mood and well-being. The more I’m outside, the calmer and more grounded I feel.
• **Regular Massages:** I make it a point to get at least one massage a month. They have an incredible ability to melt away my worries and induce a profound sense of relaxation.
• **Essential Oils:** Over the past year, I’ve embraced essential oils, using them in my diffuser, on my pillow before sleep, and topically on my body for their calming properties.
• **Acupuncture:** Initially, I sought acupuncture for physical injuries, but I now continue it for the profound meditative and calming effects it provides.
• **Yoga:** I’m actively working on integrating yoga more frequently into my routine. Each session leaves me feeling incredibly rejuvenated and centered.

What tools do you use to get through anxiety in the moment?

When anxiety strikes, my two primary tools are deep breathing exercises and vocalizing my feelings. Consciously slowing my breath helps to calm my nervous system, and verbally expressing what I’m experiencing and why actually helps alleviate the intensity of the emotion.

Do you currently see a therapist?

At present, I don’t regularly see a therapist because my mental health is stable and well-managed. However, during the initial stages of my recovery, therapy was an absolute lifeline, and I am incredibly grateful for the guidance I received. Having an objective, outside perspective to help rationalize thoughts and feelings is invaluable. I firmly believe that everyone could benefit from therapy, and it’s something I’m actively considering reintroducing into my routine in 2018 for ongoing maintenance and growth.

Do you ever feel like you can’t get out of bed some days?

Thankfully, this is no longer a significant issue for me. My depression is effectively managed, and naturally, I am a morning person, so I tend to be quite the opposite – eager to start my day!

What specific actions do you take when you get really anxious?

When I experience intense anxiety, I rely on a combination of strategies. Firstly, and most importantly, I talk about it. All my closest friends and family understand this about me; if I’m feeling anxious, I need to articulate how I’m feeling and explore the underlying reasons. Secondly, physical touch provides immense comfort for me – a hug often works wonders. And thirdly, robust self-care is paramount. Whether it’s indulging in a warm bath, intentionally putting my phone away for an hour, taking a restorative nap, or engaging in a creative activity like pottery, these practices effectively divert my mind from the source of the anxiety.

How do you manage or “cure” your insomnia?

My insomnia, primarily characterized by waking up in the middle of the night, is still a work in progress. The most effective strategy I’ve discovered is physical movement. I need to get out of bed and change my sleeping environment. It might sound unusual, but I find it easier to fall back asleep if I move to the couch rather than remaining in my bed. Additionally, I allow myself one quick glance at the time on my phone, and that’s it. The key is to *immediately* put the phone down, or else the temptation to scroll will prevent any chance of returning to sleep.

How do you deal with mental illness within relationships?

**Communication** is the absolute cornerstone when navigating mental illness in relationships. While it might seem obvious, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes it’s incredibly challenging to even articulate what I’m feeling. My partner, Mark, doesn’t have a mental illness himself, but he is an extraordinary listener. He knows my entire story intimately, and I am incredibly thankful to have a partner who will drop everything just to listen and offer a comforting hug. The same goes for my sister, Linley, and my close circle of friends. I cannot overstate the profound importance of clear and honest communication, especially when it comes to mental health. By simply striving to communicate your feelings, your loved ones will gain a deeper understanding and be better equipped to support you.

Do you have any tips for managing seasonal depression?

Seasonal depression is a challenge I definitely face each year. One impactful change I’ve made is to **buy all the plants!** For me, plants symbolize life, growth, and bring a significant sense of joy and vitality into my home, especially during darker months. I also make a conscious effort to get out of the house, even when I’d rather stay in. This often means proactively making more plans with friends. I refuse to let winter dictate my life or confine me to working indoors or curling up on the couch; I actively seek out external activities and social connections to combat the seasonal slump.

Medication for Mental Health: My Experience

Medication is an incredibly personal and often debated topic, as its effects vary so widely from person to person. However, I am not sure where I would be in my mental health journey without it. While I don’t credit my recovery entirely to medication, it undeniably provided the necessary foundation, enabling me to implement other crucial, holistic forms of healing and self-care. **Once again, I must reiterate that I am NOT a doctor or a medical professional.** I am simply sharing my personal experience and insights. Every individual’s body and mental health needs are unique, and you should never act on this information without first consulting with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider.

What medication are you currently taking?

I am currently prescribed Sertraline, which is the generic form of Zoloft. It was prescribed to me specifically to address both my anxiety and depression symptoms.

Was this medication prescribed by a doctor?

Absolutely, yes! At the time of my diagnosis and initial treatment, I was seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I continue to have follow-up appointments with my medical doctor every three months to discuss my progress and ensure my treatment plan remains optimal.

How long have you been on medication?

I have been on medication consistently since 2011, which was during my junior year of college.

Do you anticipate needing to be on medication indefinitely?

I honestly don’t know the answer to this question. However, I’ve come to a place of acceptance and peace with that uncertainty. Whatever the future holds regarding my medication, I am okay with it.

What was the tipping point that made you realize you needed medication?

My eating disorder, which originated from my anxiety and depression, was definitely the critical tipping point for me. I experienced a drastic weight loss, dropping from 150 lbs to 118 lbs in just 45 days, leaving me severely malnourished and in a very unhealthy state. My mom and sister were incredible during this time; they were the ones who strongly urged me to seek professional help. My mom, who also has a history of depression and an eating disorder in college, understood exactly what I was going through and knew I required medical attention. I began attending individual therapy and group therapy sessions. It wasn’t until my doctor suggested medication that I seriously considered it as part of my treatment.

Was it difficult for you to accept that you needed medication?

Oh, absolutely, **hell yes!** This was undeniably one of the hardest things I have ever had to accept in my life. I vividly remember sitting in my bedroom, door shut, holding the medication bottle in my hands and sobbing uncontrollably for hours. My greatest fear was that this medication would fundamentally alter who I was. I worried it would make me gain weight, disrupt my hormones, and change my personality. Thankfully, I trusted and listened to my doctor, because, in hindsight, that decision truly saved my life.

Have you remained on the same medication and dosage since you started?

I have remained on the same medication, Sertraline, since I began. My doctor explained that often, what proves effective for one family member can also work for another, which influenced the initial choice. However, I have not maintained the same dosage. I started at 25 mg, then a few months later it was increased to 50 mg, and after another few months, it was adjusted to 100 mg. All these changes were carefully managed and prescribed by my doctor at the time.

Does your medication cause you to feel sleepy all day?

This is a difficult question for me to answer definitively because I have been on medication for such a long period. I am naturally a person who requires a substantial amount of sleep – we’re talking at least 9 hours per night, often supplemented with a nap. I’m genuinely unsure if this need for sleep is a direct effect of my medication or simply an innate characteristic of my body and its needs.

Join Our Live Mental Wellness Webinar!

Team, I am thrilled to announce that I’m co-hosting a **LIVE webinar** with my incredible friend, Monique! One of the core reasons we founded Healthy Glow Co. was to cultivate a safe and supportive space for women to share their authentic stories, struggles, and triumphs. Mental health and holistic wellness are particularly prominent themes during this time of year, and we are so excited to get truly vulnerable with all of you during our live discussion. We’ll be delving into our individual wellness journeys and sharing how we’ve successfully healed our relationships with food and exercise. I believe this webinar perfectly complements the themes of this post, reinforcing the universal importance of mental health for everyone!

Webinar Details:

• WHEN: Sunday | January 7th | 8 PM CST
• SIGN UP: Click Here to Register!

YAY! I truly can’t wait to connect and chat with you all there <3